I don’t know how to get away from the thought of him.
Maybe I should give up. Maybe he’ll never come back into my life. Maybe I’m just “fooling” myself into thinking that it’ll happen. I DON’T KNOW.

I’m suffering right now like I never have been before. I’m so lost. I just need him.

It’s amazing how just seeing my old school brings back a wave of memories; some good, some bad. Best friends, enemies, first loves… It all happened there. The part that breaks me is that I’m still in love with my first love; is that wrong? Is that pathetic? I don’t know.. But what I’m sure of is that it’s been 5 years and I still remember his face. His voice. The way he used to walk with his hands in his pockets. It’s all in my head; including all the times he made me think twice about “us”. I don’t even know if I should be calling me and him “us”, but I don’t know what other word to use to describe me and him. I MISS HIM after 5 years.
It’s been 1 year since the last time I saw him and I feel like it was yesterday. I’ve been trying to forget about him all this time but it’s not so easy. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been with anyone else; because they’re not him.
I just saw his friend and I’m pretty sure his friend saw me. There’s a part of me that’s hoping his friend saw me and his friend tells him. Is that hoping for too much?
I’ve prayed and prayed so many times to be able to forget about him but that prayer is still unanswered. I’ve prayed for him to be put back in my life or for him to call me, text me or just do something!!!
All I want is to be able to see him… I’ve had a lot of chances to be able to be with him but I was too young and shy and in love and I didn’t show him who I was. So does that mean I ruined things between us? Is it my fault?
When we first started talking there were all these things that happened and I thought they meant something, I thought they were “signs”. I thought it meant that we were going to be together.
I’ve tried so hard to forget about him and I. Just. Can’t. I think about how different things would have been if I had never met him. I still remember when he kissed me. It felt right.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I think about him and I still get butterflies. I get mad at myself for thinking about him and for missing him but when you’re in love you can’t help it. I get tears when I write about this but I know I need to get it out or I’ll go crazy.
I just want to see him. I want to talk to him again. I want to show him who I am since he never really got to know me. I just want life to make this happen for me. I just want life to let something in my life be right for once.
I wonder what he’s doing right now; at this moment. I wonder if he’s ever thought about me, I wonder if he even still has my number, I hope he still does. I hope he remembers me one day soon and calls me or texts me.
When I see people holding hands I wonder what it would have been like if that was me and him.
I just want to be put out of my misery. I want this torture to stop. I feel like the only way that’ll happen is if he comes back into my life.
I’ve come to terms with myself.
I love him. I always have.

This year has been a lot of things, I don’t really know how to describe it; amazing, stressful, exciting, confusing. I’ve learned a lot of things, I was thrown into adulthood when I turned 18; 17 was good to me but I can’t wait to see what 18 has to show me… I overcame a lot of problems that I thought were going to be the death of me. I learned to not care about what people think. I laughed, I cried but most of all I LEARNED. I now know myself better than before. I’m now in the process of making my dreams a reality. Even though this year is coming to an end, I’m taking everything that I learned with me into the next year. I’m ready to begin again. 

Stiles: Hey Boof, how the hell are you?!
Scott: Just say no.
Boof: No.
Stiles: Nice talkin’ to you (Drives away)